Seeing as it is now officially summer – here are my summer tips:
- I don’t always choose beer, but when I do in the summertime heat, I always choose – Coors Light. True, craft beer packs a bigger punch and therefore is conventionally better to party with. However, the Silver Bullet is an ideal beer to drink when in need of hydration. So enjoy a cold Coors Light while on the beach, at an outdoor festival doing whatever floats your boat (perfect when getting your mind flexible, particularly because it will act as an anchor, as a familiar reminder to pull you back into reality), or just in the back yard. Remember – you need to stay hydrated. Even better if you’re already wasted. Coors Light will not take you deeper into the rabbit hole. In some instances, it will even sober you up. At minimum, it will keep you floating merrily along.
- If you’re going to go to a fest – go small. Music festivals are a great summer tradition. If you are a festival newbie, and you’re not sure if you can handle 3 days without showers, toilettes, or general non-stickiness / non-stinkiness, go small first. The facilities will be less overcrowded, there’s less people, and more of a community feel. If you don’t like being “on the farm” at a small fest – just skip the big ones and order on TV. Or just go to the local show for one night, get your jollies that way, and sleep in your bed.
- Use Waze and Google Maps at the same time to get around – but keep the sound up on Waze. I don’t really care that this is turning into a product promotion party tip line, but so be it. Google Maps has better mapping so it’s a good way to see where the hell Waze is taking you. If you need to back it up to make sure the route makes sense – because sometimes Waze does crazy shit – keep Google Maps running on your phone while driving. Most importantly, Waze tells you where the cops are out waiting to fuck your world up. Whether it’s a speeding ticket, drug sniffing dogs, car searches or worse (jail maybe?) don’t forget to use Waze. I remember when I was learning to drive – Radar guns were illegal and cops would f#ck you up if they saw you using one. Now we have free radar detectors on our phones – so use it.
- Also don’t drive under the influence. Yeah – I am your mom, and your dad. With Uber and Lyft and stuff it’s really easy to get around. And yes – if you’re on weed you can get a DUI. Remember – DUI can kill you, others, and costs thousands of dollars to defend in Court. If you’re not careful, you may end up with the Partyblog as your legal representation, which you don’t want…
5. Partiers use charcoal. Don’t be budge and use gas. I’ll grill you dude. If you’re gonna grill, use wood or charcoal. Look, we get it. It is easy to use propane. King of the Hill is a good show. You get an even grill. But you know what you don’t get. You don’t get fire burning on the fuel of life. You don’t get every sorry ass, non-partyin’, propane usin’ shmekel jealous over the delicious smell of wood or coal coming from the brown side of the grass-is-always greener fence. My Dad uses propane. I love my Dad. But he’s out there bustin’ his ass 9-5 PM so his privileged kids can party every night. He doesn’t have time for propane. The fire, however, takes time. Just like a good party. There’s nothing more satisfying than a large flame jumping out of your grill threatening to burn off your eyebrows. It takes balls to start a fire – a real fire – in the summer heat. You know who uses propane – Ron Paul. He’s like, “Oh, I’m a libertarian. I can cook with whatever I want. Because I’m a stupid libertarian and I don’t believe in rules or anything.” You know who uses charcoal? Rene Boucher – bad ass neighbor of Ron Paul who beats Ron Paul’s ass over a pile of bushes and damn near burns his face off starting a bonfire on Ron Paul’s property — probably because he wanted some marshmallows.
Rene Boucher – bad ass neighbor of Ron Paul – burns fires with wood. Also beats Ron Paul’s ass because he feels like it.
And don’t give me the excuse that it takes too long to start a fire with charcoal. Buy one of these for under 20 dollars at your local Big Lots (make Jerry Van Dyke proud):
You get a perfect fire – every single time. You don’t even need the pansy, kerosene soaked coals. Get those flames jumping. You’re camping in your back yard now. Bust open that Silver Bullet, and take a mini-vacation from the rest of the gas burning world. (Warning: when camping in the Pacific West – this does not apply – please use propane. Don’t start a f-ing forrest fire you dipshits). Get progressive while you’re at it. Throw a nice red pepper, eggplant, or veggie burger on that grill. Top it with some Veganaise. Real Men use wood. Real Men that are Vegan save the world by being kind to the environment and reducing the stock of killer chickens, cows, and turkeys that are coming after us once they evolve from the upcoming war’s nuclear fall-out … Cowabunga dude.
Warning: These turtles are not cute. They are the portend of death. So eat vegan and reduce the number of domesticated turtles, thereby reducing the likelihood of mutant ninja turtles.
6.(Since we’re talking about talking turtles.) Do Acid, Shrooms, or something to get your mind flexible. Hallucinate – because – why not? It is the only way to break your mind from the doldrums of the current state we are in. If you ENJOY the current state we are in, hopefully it will break you from the brainwash. Our government has completely sold itself out to the highest bidder. The Civil War could never have been fought without poor white folk in the South believing it was their duty to fight a rich man’s war.
There is a reason why Richard Nixon hated acid – it allows vision through all of the bullshit. When you break down all sense of the structure from which your personality and world view is built – you are no longer afraid that everything you may have once believed is meaningless. Once you leave behind every social construct which you once believed, and the narrative of your life dissipates, then true faith may be achieved. Experience a mind emptied from all preconception and freed from boundaries. If you are not ready, at least go party with someone you would not normally party with to see a new viewpoint. Go engage in a conversation outside of the normal belief system. It is only by defeating the current capitalist system – where wealth is valued over people – that we may begin to once again know what truth is, looks like, or could be.