Party Rule #5: always eat before you party…this way you don’t burn down the house…
Order Dominos. 4 out of 5 prefer the new recipe. Perplexingly, however, with the exception of New York, it is nearly impossible to get a friggin’ Gyro delivered at 2 AM. I have a dream where all races and peoples, across the world, shall have universal access to food, and late night pizza delivery…don’t cook drunk, don’t forget to turn off the stove, and don’t collect 200 dollars!
 When dining at the Pub, ask for Kurt, the late night waiter with a sweet, green, cartoony tattoo-sleeve, green eyes, a boyish face, and skittish smile. Don’t worry however; he’s too polite to spit on your food. He must be a graphic designer or artist by day, and waiting tables at night, because he’ll draw a cartoon of Goofy on your check at the end of the meal. Nothing is better than receiving a hand-drawn Goofy on a late night dinner check. If you still need convincing, the Philly Cheesesteak Omelette is the bomb, and there’s Naked Photo Hunt at the tables, boys’ and girls’ edition. “Oh Sh*t! Kurt the Killah drew Goofy on my check again! HAHA!!! Damn, look at those boobies!”
Drunkenly, I raided Big J’s kitchen for anything edible – two pieces of Texas Toast from the freezer, along with stealing two pieces of sliced wheat bread in a plastic bag on the kitchen counter, take two cans of tuna – fry the melts in some oil – steal two Coors Lights from the fridge in the bar for Big J so he could enjoy his tuna melt, and it’s steal a meal deal, cheap. By the time I get up to his room twenty minutes later he was passed out asleep.
According to a rule of nature, sometimes in life you have to steal.
The question is will you steal and give back, or simply steal and keep for yourself. The latter, of course…then my friend, you are engaged in a party foul…
Which brings us to the party foul…
This Universe, like the human mind, walks a delicate balance between order and disorder. Up to this point in human history, we have successfully navigated the milky balance between animus and anima, the ability to create with the hunger to destroy, entropy v. anarchy, etc.
The party foul represents the moment that complete disorder is unleashed. When all reason breaks down, Pandora’s Box is opened and irrationality ensues; the negative consequences of the party foul spread like wild-fire. Religions cast this great struggle as good v. evil, sin v. austerity. When the dragon overcomes, the Partiers, like Joe Jenson, Rick the Rat, C-Money, Gards, Fat Pay, Shady G, Euro P Gold, Cousin J, Party Boy Geazy, Party Girl Pinky, Tinka, Juicy Jules, Cousin SEP, Big Z, Big Mike, Big J, CRSN, the Flag Man, Lil’ Prince, Lil’ Smokey, Ronnie, Danny Boy, Bosch, Eh Goddamit, Quark, Big Davidson, Cliffbar, Aro, Hercules Einstein, Vicky the Viking, Emily the Baker, the Booty, Mexico, Peach Pie, Pigs, CC, J-Man, Strawberry, TaxMan, Suzers, Blazin D, Chuck the Hipster, Nosey Lena, BeReal, Tax Man, Kristophe the Beer Man, understand a different form of chaos – and decry Party Foul! The Party Foul marks that moment in time when the pure unpredictability of the universe is unleashed in human form, and all hell breaks loose around those within the strings of the persona’s party-foul. Most of the time, the party foul sets in motion a series of events, compounding, consuming others in its course of destruction until there is nothing left, the momentum disipated, but the indicia of destruction.
Party Foul # 1 – Needless Destruction by Fire – The Supreme Party Foul…
The proverbial party foul appropriately begins with the beginning, i.e. man’s greatest discovery, and also where it ends.
The original party necessitated fire, and out of fire cometh the original party foul. How I love fire – providing the energy to attract focus, a surrounding membrane for music, gathering, food and dance, safety from the unknown forces of the night. The sun of the night. Yet in the face of creativity and warmth, lies the darkness of fire’s power; despite its usefulness, fire can be used to realize the jealousy of man — unleashing destructive and sadistic forces, that burn down villages and towns. Fire that destroys the party does not bring the party. Fire allows the one who believes its party inferior, even if invited, to swiftly lay waste to another’s party. The origin of the party foul mirrors the self and the perceived limitations of the self – true or false it matters not; only that which is perceived is reality. And fire is never satisfied, but it merely consumes, until dust remains. Yes, the supreme party foul — destruction by fire. If it burns hot enough and large enough, it will result in complete destruction of mankind while in the right arsonist’s hands.
The party foul of destruction by fire need not be pernicious; while unclear, it may have arisen as early humans tasked with watching the fire itself fell asleep and allowed the fire to come into the wrong person’s hands, or if it simply sparked and spread by its own physical forces, and thereafter roamed freely through the campsite, as the early humanoids were screaming in anger and desperation until the fire subsided. Carelessness too is a party foul; a party foul need not be intentional but may arise from mere negligence of the partier. Whether humans willfully allow the chaos to ensue or watch in silence, the effect is the same – fire consumes!
Within the party foul lies the danger of the party: manifestations of the self in its most destructive force. This is not specific to the party however but arises in all forms of social interaction — humans can unleash their inner party-demons to realize massive destruction and pain. Ironically, the demons themselves were most likely created out of destruction and pain, while humans foolishly repeat these wrongs after experiencing them in the first place as an attempt to overcome these demons. Fools, a party-fouled cannot utilize the exacting tools of the party-foul to overcome the party foul…fire cannot defeat fire; a mirror that replicates does not defeat but merely doubles over, exacerbates.
Within the belly of the Dragon lies fear of the infinite that drives the party foul; a reminder of our own limitations in an imperfect mind-body. However within the light of the heart fuels the party-self; love and creation, which is cyclical and undying. How quickly can the dragon’s fire overtake the soft light of the heart, which is the guiding force of the party, and party-balance is lost in favor of the party foul. Do not be mistaken — the party foul’s affects can be quick and devastating, leading to chaos, anger, destruction, and hatred. Calm the dragon in the face of infinite fear and the party will never defeat you! Quiet the fire that survives in the belly of the Dragon, and you will overcome the party foul, be immediately united with the greater party force — the ultimate god-head of the party — the Boomskull. Murphy’s law (i.e. Buddhism) dictates – shit happens, so how are you going to deal with it? The ultimate party rule in the face of the party foul: Open your mirror, turn it inwards, and show the dragon its ugliness. Now watch as the light suddenly overcomes the dragon and turns its strength in unison with party-preservation!
Remember, the only place appropriate for an uncontrollable fire is on the dance floor.
The failure to avert a fire, itself is a party foul, even if the fire appears under control or dead such that its overseer believes it will not spread to a massive scale. We have seen such an occurrence on Penn State’s campus in the fall of 2011. What senior officials at Penn State believed was under control ten years ago, as their party-fouler began to run amuck around campus, committing unspeakable horrors that caused embers of hatred and loathing to go unnoticed around campus, while officials ignored the warnings and threats, just as the fire seems like it will go away unnoticed, suddenly it sparks into a force driven by its own burning hunger, swallowing a pillar of strength within its realm, all because the fire was not snuffed out early, and the requisite party-fouler brought to justice. Yes, when the risk exists that fire will engulf and kill, do not ignore the fire even if in your human ignorance it seems controlled. Because just as the fire seems about to die, suddenly it spreads with the force and immediacy seemingly incomprehensible, if only were it not completely predictable.
Molly the Dog is licking my face. I am on her bed – i.e. the futon in Big J’s room. The golden retriever intends to motivate motion. Big J walks into his bedroom after surveying the messy damage I caused from browned-out cooking in his kitchen –
“It stinks like ass downstairs – what the hell did you cook?”
Immediately, wary of the early morning criticism due to a pounding headache, I am arguing with him, “I made tuna melts for you and me – but you were passed out when I got up here. I cleaned up – it shouldn’t smell like tuna too bad.”
“It doesn’t smell like tuna down there, it smells like something else. Why are there two empty Coors lights on my desk?” He has one of those giant Ikea desks that are really ugly and full of corrogated steel.
“I grabbed one for you, one for me, but like I said, you were passed out.”
“The Coors belongs to my roommate you ass…I had micro-brews downstairs…why are you drinking this beer and not mine?”
“Whatever dude. I don’t know – let me go back to sleep…”
“What tuna did you use to cook downstairs? Starkist Chunk Light or the Albacore White? What bread did you use??”
“You are a cracked wheat. We are living in a material world,” Head pounding, this conversation is worse than Madonna while hungover.
“The Texas Toast I suppose.”
“I don’t even own that bread! Now I have to buy my roommate tuna, beer, and Texas Toast too. You have no respect for communal living!”
Dude, seriously, suck my balls. Am I Puck and is this The Real World Season 2? I was so friggin’ hungry last night. We don’t even own material goods anyway. And Pedro is dead – it’s time to face the facts.
Real World 2120: Episode You Stole My Tuna and Coors Lizzy, suddenly comes to a head, “God – do I look like a red-headed bike-messenger’s step-child born from Puck’s asshole? We’re talking a dollar’s worth of tuna, two slices of Texas Toast, and two Silver Bullets for Spaghetti Monster’s sake!”
The Spaghetti Monster – True Ruler of the Universe
“Just go down there and see if you smell anything! Something’s not right…”
Big J’s kitchen smells like propane. The front burner is turned 20 degrees into the on position. Hmm…interesting, I turned it off…the multiverse must have turned it back on.
I return upstairs to go back to bed, but the dog is sitting on the futon, smiling and wagging her tail. That bitch…
“Uhh…well, I noticed the stove may not have been turned off all the way…”
“What! You left the stove on all night?”
“No, I didn’t leave it on. Someone else must of turned it on or it just must not have turned off all the way. Besides, the flame wasn’t burning all night. Just that the burner may not have been turned all the way off really…a slight gas leak. It wouldn’t have been enough gas to start a fire. Gas frequently runs incessantly, think of it like a pilot light…only a slight leak…just air it out…”
“Hold on. All of those statements are contradictory. Someone else must have left it on? Wait, you’re other selves?”
What is he talking about? Typical lawyer, twisting my words. That doesn’t even make sense…
“No. That’s not what I said. I turned off the stove, but it didn’t twist all the way off. Must be defective…”
“You Dumbass! You could have burnt down the house!”
“Good thing you didn’t light up. Besides…”
“…A slight gas leak? Air it out? I’ll air you out, alright, but that’s not good enough. Are you a moron? Slight gas leaks leads to slight gas explosions!”
As vividly evidenced by the Earth’s version of the Death Star,
leaky pipes can lead to serious death and destruction. Methane buildup from a persistent source can be detrimental towards life forms around it…so can plutonium or uranium that reaching critical mass. Individuals generally responsible for an all consuming fire rarely accept culpability. “If you give me the same circumstances, I’d do it again.”
Consider the following stellar exchange from the asshole of corporate America:
Random Transocean Exec: pfft, it’s not my problem. It’s not like we owned the goddamn rig. Random BP Exec: pfft…we were only reaping millions in profits in natural resources that legally belong to my company, not the people of the Americas or the Caribbeans. We privately exploit the country’s natural resources. What did we ever do wrong? We’re the victims! Safety is Transocean’s job!
Random Halliburton Exec: C’mon, what’d you expect? We’re Haliburton? Of course we’d f*ck this up…I mean, screw those other guys! It’s their fault! This isn’t fair!
Dipshit Politician: Anyone ever think of installing an acoustic trigger – because we certainly didn’t?
Lamar “suck on my drill” McKay: THE ACCOUSTIC TRIGGER DOES NOTHING! MY EYES MY EYES!
“Look. I turned off the stove…maybe the dog turned it on?” She’s still wagging her tail and smiling, “She is fairly sneaky…”
“Dude. This isn’t a fart…you can’t blame it on the dog.”
“Chill out man – you’re freaking out like Jim Kosek. It’s not that big deal….”
“IT IS A BIG DEAL!” Looking for an insult, Big J pauses, “You can’t cook in my house anymore!”
A few weeks ago following the great Snowpocalype (during Vicky the Viking’s weekend outing to the Poconos)
I was voted most likely to burn down the rental house. At the time, I was offended. Now I see their reasoning. Nonetheless, I feel the need to…defend myself — ooo…for something that you f*cked up? Yeah, that’s a party foul. Five yards.
Party Foul #2 – Denial of the Party Foul is itself a Party Foul…(Continue Reading)